‘Twas the night before Christmas

’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a cool draft was freezing, to wake up the mouse.
The owner called a contractor with knowledge so rare,
In hopes that great comfort soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
With nary a cough or a cold in their heads.
And Momma in her kerchief and I in my cap
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When from my neighbor there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
My neighbor stood there in the new fallen snow,
Begging and pleading the wind not to blow.
Then to him I did shout plain, loud and clear,
“You need a performance contractor, you need him right here!”
He called the next day, and asked for help quick,
The contractor knew what made that house tick.
More rapid than eagles his testers came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now blower door, manometer, analyzer, and smoker,
On IR, on loggers, on hoses, and pokers!
To the top of the house, to the top of the wall,
Now test away, test away, test away all!”
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When he hit an obstacle he beat it quite sly.
So throughout the house his testers they flew,
With many theories, ideas, and solutions too.
And then in a twinkling we felt the proof—
The snow no longer melts on my neighbor’s roof.
He had been in the attic and said he had found
No hose on the fan and a bypass, big deep and round.
He was pleased when he found in the chimney no soot,
Then he went to the basement and crawlspace to root.
No hole was left unfound, not an idea did he lack,
He looked like a magician opening his sack.
His eyes—how they twinkled, his dimples how merry—
While he explained how the house worked to my friend’s wife Sherry.
There was not an answer he did not know,
And in the end we all laughed at the snow.
No longer slaves of winter wind’s teeth,
Now we look forward to hanging the Christmas wreath.
When the oilman comes he now cries like a baby,
When we tell him we’ll see him next month—maybe.
We are now comfortable and in good health,
We breathe clean air, my friend and myself.
With a wink of an eye and a twist of his head,
The performance contractor turned and smiled, then said:
“This house is now fixed, now it will work.
We have control of the airflow and know every quirk.”
While packing his tools to get ready to go,
He explained to us quickly the things we should know:
A shell guy will work hard to make the house tight,
But he needs help from an HVAC guy to make it just right.
The performance contractor is the one to call,
To make a house work best for one and all.
And then we heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Not sure who authored this—quite clever though!